Laugh away your troubles

Roy: "Did you hear about the angel who lost his job?"
Joy: "What happened?"
Roy: "He had harp failure!"

Reg: "Hey Bob, how do you like your new chimney sweeping job?"
Bob: "It soots me!"

Question: Why does electricity shock people?
Answer: It doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Eve was the first woman to eat herself out of house and home.

Ed: "Why does a dog wear more clothes in summer than in winter?"
Sid: "Because in winter a dog wears a coat, but in summer he wears a coat, and pants, too."

Pat: "Why did the farmer feed his cow money?"
Lori: "He wanted rich milk."

Mrs. Jones: "Why are you knitting three socks?"
Mrs. Smith: "My son says he's grown another foot since he went to the
mission."

Tom: "What runs around the farmyard, yet never moves?"
Kate: "The fence."

Two Hollywood goats found some old film and began to eat it.
"Is it good?" asked one.
"Yes, but I liked the book better," answered the other.

Question: Why is a bad riddle like a poor pencil?
Answer: Because it has no point.

Young man: "May I hold your hand?"
Grandma: "No thanks. It's not heavy."

Doctor: "How's the man who swallowed the spoon?"
Nurse: "He can hardly stir."

Question: Why does a tall man eat less than a short one?
Answer: Because he makes a little go a long way.

Question: Why do flowers seem lazy?
Answer: Because you often find them in beds.

Question: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a present?
Answer: "Thank you, I'll never part with it."

Question: What did Franklin say when he discovered electricity in lightning?
Answer: Nothing. He was too shocked.

Question: I have cities without houses, forests without trees, rivers without
water. What am I?
Answer: A map.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the street?
Answer: For fowl purposes.

Question: Whey didn't the skeleton cross the street?
Answer: He did not have the guts.

Question: Where were the first doughnuts made?
Answer: In Greece.

Question: How did the octopus go into battle?
Answer: Well armed.

First Mosquito: "Why are you limping?"
Second Mosquito: "I came through the screen door and strained myself."

Tom: "This match won't light."
Ned: "What's the matter with it?"
Tom: "I don't know. It worked a minute ago."

Question: What did one tonsil say to the other?
Answer: "Get dressed. The doctor is taking us out tonight."

Question: What did one math book say to another?
Answer: "I've got problems!"

Question: What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Answer: A teapot.

Diner: "This coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter: "Well it was ground this morning."

Question: What did the jack say to the car?
Answer: "I'll give you a lift."

Question: When does an Irish potato change it's nationality?
Answer: When it becomes French fries.

Question: Why do bird fly north?
Answer: Because its too far to walk.

Question: What has a foot and a head, but cannot walk or think?
Answer: A hill.

Question: What is the difference between a tailor and a stable boy?
Answer: One mends a tear, and the other tends a mare.

Question: Who are the best bookkeepers?
Answer: People who never return the books you lend to them.

Question: Why does the moon go to the bank?
Answer: To change quarters.

Question: What is bought by the yard yet worn by the foot?
Answer: Carpet.

Question: What is the difference between a bad boy and a postage stamp?
Answer: One you stick with a lick, and the other you lick with a stick.

Question: What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
Answer: The pavement.

Question: What must you keep after giving to someone else?
Answer: Your word.

Question: If two is company and three is a crowd, what is four and five?
Answer: 9.

Two pieces of prison clothing lay on a table after being ironed. One said: "I'll be put away, but you'll be hung."

Diner: "Do you serve crabs here?"
Waiter: "We serve anyone, sir. Please sit down."

Pray tell me, listener, if you can,
Who is that highly favored man
Who, though he marries many a wife,
May still stay single all his life.

A Pastor.